Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
