today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
