I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
