i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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