Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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