Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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