just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize