So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
