We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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