He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I need water and some morals
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
