nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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