Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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