I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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