walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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