Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
