Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
