I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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