At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
