I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
