in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
