Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
