can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
