well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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