Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
