im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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