when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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