I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So vagazzling was a success
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
