Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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