OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
