true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
