Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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