Your face is a jimmy john
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
