she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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