Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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