chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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