It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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