I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
