So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
