operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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