Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
