i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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