is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
