I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
