I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize