Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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