marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
