I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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