I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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