Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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