they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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