you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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