i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
