Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
