this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
