Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
