I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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