I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
