i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
