Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize