At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
