just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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