Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
