she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
