i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize